Netflix lies

If you remember the old model of renting movies, we wandered around a big store and picked up cases containing DVDs/tapes on which was printed a description of the flick inside. This description was often written to get the movie to appeal to the least-common-denominator shopper, giving all movies a bland, pablum, generic tone. This supposedly insured no one was "scared away" by a heavy, serious film. Oftentimes they would even change the genre of the movie, making everything either a comedy or a horror...because we're just too dumb for the serious dramas, you see.

I find it odd that the sleeves on Netflix movies follow this old strategy. First of all, I think that movie renters have become more sophisticated. Secondly, if I have the Netflix movie in my house, I've already made the commitment to rent it and odds are I know something about it.

We recently got The Wrestler, which was phenomenal. Here is the description on the Netflix sleeve: "Mickey Rourke stars as retired professional wrestler Randy Robinson, who returns to the ring and tries to work his way up the circuit for a final shot at defeating his longtime rival." This is not what this movie is about! Let me see...."wrestler" is right, but that's about it. This movie was nominated for a bunch of Oscars....why try to glaze over everything good about it?

Here is my call to you, faithful readers. Let's see if WE can write a bunch of bad Netflix-sleeve descriptions. Below is my crack at a few. Submit your own in the comments field below. Winner gets something awesome!

The Godfather - Enjoy the antics of this crazy ethnic family that's Italian through and through. Patriarch Vito "Don" Corleone tries to keep his boisterous brood in check as they partake in madcap missions straight from Milan! There's everything from weddings to horses to adventures at the market to crazy brothers-in-law. Don't miss son Michael's awkwardly hilarious encounter with Captain McCluskey...and of course then there's eldest son Sonny - no one knows what this hothead will be up to next! Paisano, if you miss this for-all-ages laughfest you'll miss out on being one of the 'family!'

There Will Be Blood - Jokester impresario Daniel Day-Lewis leads this romp through the oil-soaked American west. It's the Beverly Hillbillies like you've never seen them before, as oilman Daniel Plainview is a "gas" as he takes on the big monopolies with tricks, slicks, and slapstick. Watch as he and preacher Eli Sunday (Paul Dano, Littls Miss Sunshine) banter playfully back and forth as they struggle to get oil rights from each other. Bowling, anyone?? After seeing this guffaw "gusher," you'll be singing "I drink your milkshake!" for weeks!

Million Dollar Baby - The heroics of Rocky meets the zany girl-power of Charlie's Angels. You'll thrill to the laugh-a-minute hilarity that develops between the grizzled old trainer (Clint Eastwood, Every Which Way but Loose) and the young, determined, female boxer (Hilary Swank, The Next Karate Kid). Watch as she takes on a palette of preposterous pugilists and as Morgan Freeman (Evan Almighty) plays the wise-cracking gym rat who keeps her in stitches. Speaking of stitches, stay tuned for the crazy final scene in the hospital!

Saving Private Ryan - you'll think the cast of MASH has been sent back to WWII in this camouflaged caper! Tom Hanks brings the chops that earned laughs in Big and Joe Versus the Volcano and will have audiences rolling in the aisles as he leads a band of misfits on a search for Private Ryan (Matt Damon, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back). Watch them hilariously plod through the wet sand at their landing on the French coast, then crack wise the rest of the way inland. And all the while krazy Krauts seem to have them surrounded at every turn! Mein Fuhrer!

Schindler's List - (funny entry here removed at the request of my spouse, who will never again review material before it's online)