Soylent Green (subtitle: Surrounded by Mormons)

So I recently had one of those moments where I realized something that I had never noticed before, but that in hindsight should have been as plain as the nose on my face....you know, one of those times when something that should have been so obvious to you wasn't, and then all of the sudden there's this flooding realization and understanding....and all those indications you had noticed before come into clear focus. You know what I mean? Like the end of The Usual Suspects. I'm also reminded of that famous line uttered by Charlton Heston's character in Soylent Green.... "Soylent green (spoiler alert!) is people. It's made out of people. You gotta tell 'em...it's people!" (I think the line was actually made more famous by Phil Hartman's rendition on SNL, but I couldn't find that clip anywhere.)

So my wife and daughter and I have been working at a "haunted forest" and it's run by this particular family and they are very, very nice. And their organization and many of the people they bring in to work at the forest (we're talking hundreds of people) are also friendly, but my wife and I noticed that there's bit of a closed, inner-circle mentality among some of them them. Some people, like us, seem to be on the outside, while others are definitely on the inside. Again, we weren't treated poorly, but it's something we noticed.

Then one day while having a one-on-one chat with one of the women, my wife started to pick up on some things...comments about knowing a lot of people from church membership, a lot of references to Utah....and other items that when part of a larger puzzle got my wife thinking. When we were home later she mentioned to me that she thought this group of people might all be Mormons. A large number of them have either lived in Utah or are from Utah, they all have this kind of in-bredy yet not unattractive look, and then we started to think on experiences over the last several weeks....all of those snippets of conversations that I thought were either oddly worded or were me mishearing started to come flooding back:

"...well, gotta get home to the wives..."
"...yes, my five sons are all named Joseph Smith..."
"...I don't care if he didn't get nominated, I'm writing in Mitt Romney..."
"...I'm from Jackson, Missouri, you know, where Jesus visited the Indians after his resurrection..."

And it all became very clear. I wanted to yell, "They're Mormons! The haunted forest is run by Mormons...you gotta tell 'em!"

Now, there's nothing wrong with them, don't get me wrong...I mean, so long as they're not concerned about their souls being in hell for eternity. They're mostly a benevolent cult, unlike Jehovah's Witnesses, who drink the blood of kidnapped virgins and bake feces into the brownies they give to you when they come a-knocking. But they're both as crazy as all get out. I imagine a dialogue between a JW and a Mormon as something like this:

Mormon: Jesus came to Joseph Smith sometime in the late 1800s in a vision and told him about the book of Mormon! He kept visiting him after that!
JW: That's nice, just don't wish me happy birthday! By the way, only 144,000 people ever will go to heaven!
Mormon: Hey, I think I believe that one, too. But I believe in three heavens.
JW: Three...bonus! I can't accept blood transfusions and if I did, I wouldn't make it into any heaven! Can I buy you a cup of coffee?
Mormon: Only decaf...I can't have caffeine! And don't even think about coming into my temple!
(Both laugh)
(In unison): And if you leave my church, you'll be shunned by all who remain a member. Even your family!
(Both laugh again, while having a "you too???" look on their faces)
(A catholic wanders into their midst)
Catholic: Well, I believe when I take communion, the wine I'm drinking literally turns into Jesus' blood in my digestive system.
JW and Mormon: (pondering)
JW: That's a good one, but while your kind started some of the crazy stuff, you haven't kept pace and actually repealed a lot of it at Vatican II.
Catholic: Shucks!
Mormon to JW: He's no Scientologist.
(A muslim enters the scene)
Muslim: Praise be to Allah!
(kaboom)

Mormons make nice commercials and the NFL quarterback with the all-time best passer rating is one of them. But now I'm wondering about the real motivation behind what this haunted forest group does...their primary business is this outdoorsy camp kind of place and they have scores of kids who come and take part in activities there. So you have these young, impressionable kids....out in the distant reaches of the county, alone with these adults, who have a pretty established record of trying to convert people (I have no idea if this is true but it helps the argument) and they get these kids alone and make all nice with them and then the other shoe drops. You're one of these teenagers at camp and the next thing you know you have a Karl Malone poster on your wall, your wardrobe consists of white shirts and thin black ties and you have marriage proposals pending to three women.

I'm sure I shouldn't even be typing this or making fun of them at all because you know they are very powerful...the could be watching what I'm typing right now and I don't think they have much of a sense of humor and one of them could just